Silent Regrets
by Loyce
Summary: DMxHS, Life is short, and often the time for reconciliation passes us by leaving us with nothing but regrets. Unfortunately, Duo and Hilde will find that out, the hard way.


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. Nor do I publish, promote or manage any works written by Julie Garwood. The book passage is taken from The Gift written by Julie Garwood (one of my favorite romance authors).  
  
Here's the usual key to help you get through my stories:  
~ ~ Book passage  
' ' Thought  
" " Spoken word  
  
Dedication: To new friends and my new guide into the Dark Side! :) This one's for you Kristen!  
  
Silent Regrets  
By: Loyce  
  
~He was still a little scared. Oh, she knew he trusted her, knew he loved her, but it was all so new for Nathan, and it was going to take him time to rid himself of all his shields. She didn't have any such problems, of course. She'd loved him for the longest time. Nathan blew out the candle and nuzzled his wife's ear. "I love you, Sara."   
"I love you, Nathan."~  
  
A contented sigh escaped Hilde's lips as she closed the book and set it down on the bedside table. Unfortunately, her imagination was dragged from 19th century England back to the present. She loved to lose herself deep within a good story. Bookcases lined the walls of her room filled with works from various famous authors, manuals about computers, and military intelligence. But mostly, the shelves were filled with romance novels.   
  
Sighing, she realized that she was a hopeless romantic. She would change the names in the book to suit her dreams, and that way she could enjoy the happily-ever-after. 'Is it wrong to want a happy ending?'   
  
Grabbing her mug of hot chocolate, she took a sip, enjoying not only the its warmth on this cool October evening, but also the chocolate. If every soldier had a weakness, chocolate had to be one of them. However, her biggest weakness was out for the night and he was also late.   
  
'1:20am' the red numbers of her digital clock yelled through the dim light of her bedroom. Hilde pulled her knees up against her chest and rested her chin on them. Across the room, on her dresser, she could see the picture of her and Duo, taken while they were visiting Relena and Heero on Earth earlier that summer. She smiled as she looked at the goofy grin Duo had on his face, while giving her bunny-ears for the picture.  
  
Resting her forehead on her knees, she closed her eyes and thought back to that day. . .  
  
Relena held the camera up to her face. "Okay, guys. Smile for the camera." She and Duo sat on one of the stone benches found in the enormous Peacecraft rose garden.   
  
Duo smiled and then wrapped his arm around her. She was touched by the gesture until she realized his true intent. By then, the picture had been taken, bunny-ears and all.  
  
Duo started to nudge her closer and closer to the edge of the bench. "Duo, if you push me off this bench, you will live to regret it."  
  
A mischievous grin crept across his face. "And what will you do about it, babe?" He asked as he pushed her off the edge. She caught his arm as she fell of the edge of the bench, catching him off balance and brought him down with her.  
  
Duo landed right on top of her. They were both laughing until they looked at each other. His cobalt colored eyes held her periwinkle ones. It felt like an eternity passed while they continued to look at each other. The moment was broken by the sound of Heero clearing his throat.  
  
"Are you two done gawking at each other yet?"  
  
Duo hurriedly pushed away from the ground and walked toward Heero. "Come on, I'm hungry. Let's raid that huge kitchen for something to eat." Without a backward glance, the two headed toward the mansion; leaving her lying on the grass, her cheeks pink with embarrassment and Relena staring at her . . .  
  
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she opened her eyes. Uncurling herself, Hilde swung her feet over the side of the bed and slipped them into her fuzzy blue slippers. She slowly made her way over to the dresser and picked up the picture. She ran her finger over the glass surface just above his face. The corners of her lips rose, forming a huge smile that brightened her face. Hilde shook her head. 'I've been smiling an awful lot lately. I guess that happens when you're in love.' She had never believed in love at first sight, but that was before she met Duo.   
  
'See, you love him.' Her conscience mocked.  
'Yes, I know that.'  
'Then why don't you tell him?'  
'Because I don't know how he feels about me and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship over three little words.'  
'But those three little words are the most powerful thing in the Universe.'  
'I know, that's why I'm scared of them.'  
  
The sound of a crashing lamp dragged her from her thoughts. Carefully, she grabbed her gun and made her way into the dark hallway. Once in the hallway, she could hear more things being knocked over. All of the sounds were coming from downstairs.  
  
'The fourth floorboard is loose. Stairs number 1,4 and 6 will creak.' She reminded herself as she moved stealthily through the darkness. Trying not to alert the intruder to her position, Hilde held her breath as she began to descend the stairs.  
  
Soft light illuminated the living room and filtered into the bottom half of the stairwell. Hilde crouched further down as she entered the faint light and came to the main floor. Quickly, she let go of the breath she had been holding, took another and peered around the corner.  
  
She had the wind knocked out of her. The gun went slack in her hands and a small gasp escaped from her lips. Although she hadn't been physically attacked, she knew that something had been broken, her heart.  
  
Clothes were littered along a path that lead from the door to the living room. Her eyes widened as the followed the trail from the door to the two occupants on the couch. Duo and some unidentified brunette were lying together, practically naked. The young woman had her hands buried Duo's long brown hair; that was undone from its normal braid. Duo was holding her body tightly against his as their legs intertwined. They were kissing each other as if their last breath depended it on.   
  
Hilde quickly turned her head from the scene that was unfolding before her. Still holding the gun, she covered her ears and automatically walked back up the stairs to her room. Laying the gun in its normal resting place, she continued moving toward her bed. Her knees gave out halfway across the room. 'Maybe dreams never do come true.' Placing her head in her hands, she let the salty tears fall down her face.  
  
****************  
  
BEEP.  
BEEP.  
BEEP.  
SMACK!  
  
"Whoever thought that making the workday begin so early in the morning, should be dragged out into the middle of the street and shot." Duo muttered from underneath his pillow.   
  
Pulling his arm back under the covers, he laid there for a moment trying to gain his bearings. Opening one eye, he pushed the pillow aside allowing the morning sun to confirm what he had been thinking. The bright light shone through the closed mini-blinds. Wincing, he pulled the pillow back over his head.  
  
'Yup. I've got a hangover.'  
  
Groaning, he rolled over slowly into a sitting position, trying to move slow enough to keep the room from spinning. The bed sheet slid from his shoulders and pooled around his waist. He turned toward the bedside table and looked at the time. "Damnit! I'm late again!" He growled. Not like he hadn't been late in the past, but he was trying to take the heavy work load off of Hilde's shoulders to allow her more time to herself.  
  
Pushing away from the bed, Duo came fully awake as the cool stale air in the room washed over his body. His entire body. Taking a puzzled glance down, he asked himself, "Where in the hell are my boxers?" Like a slap in the face the memories of the previous night came back to haunt him.   
  
Too many drinks.  
A smiling face.  
The flirting.  
The drive home.  
The couch.  
  
As he walked over to the dresser, he thought back to the 'couch incident'. He and the brunette had done some pretty heavy petting in the living room. But even through the beer-induced haze, he had stopped before it went any further. She had stared at him, her eyes asking the silent question 'Why'd you stop?' He had politely gathered her things and held them out for her, stating, 'I'm sorry, but I really can't do this.' Eyes ablaze with anger, she pulled her belongings from his grasp and walked out the front door.  
  
Duo had then retreated to his room and removed all his clothing since it still carried the scent of her cheap perfume. Sitting on his bed, he stared at the closed bedroom door. Why had he stopped? It was simply. He had stopped because the girl from the bar wasn't the one he really wanted. The reason why he stopped slept in the room across from his own.   
  
Securing the rubber band at the end of his long braid, Duo pulled on a red turtleneck, tucking the hem of the shirt into the black jeans he wore. Grabbing his jacket, he headed downstairs.  
  
The house was silent. Hilde was already out at the office. Duo checked the time as he passed the cuckoo clock hanging on the wall. A smile crossed his face. 'Hilde and her crazy cuckoo clock.'  
  
The rich aroma of coffee greeted him as he entered the kitchen. His lunch sat in a plastic container on the counter, next to his thermos of coffee. Duo peeled back the lid and took a quick peak at his lunch. 'Country fried steak and homemade mashed potatoes...my favorite. She truly is a goddess.'  
  
A little voice in the back of his head began to nag him. 'Then why don't you tell her?'  
'I don't know, haven't found the right time I guess.'  
'You're scared, admit it.'  
'I AM NOT SCARED.'  
'Yes, you are. You're afraid that she doesn't feel the same way about you. You're afraid that if you love her she'll disappear like everyone else in your life."  
'Maybe.'  
'Well, you'll never know if you don't tell her.'  
  
Ignoring the comment that seemed to echo in his head, Duo picked up his lunch and coffee and head out the backdoor toward the office.  
  
****************  
  
Hilde sat in her leather chair, staring at the paper in front of her; like it was a coiled snake, ready to strike out and bite her at any second. The final X lay at the bottom of the page, mocking at her. Unable to stand the glaring red X any longer, she grabbed the pen and scratched her name on the dotted line.  
  
'There. It's done.' Throwing the pen back done on the desk, Hilde pushed herself out of the chair and toward the office window. From her window, she looked down on the scrap yard and her house. 'But it's not my house anymore, is it?' Looking out of the corner of her eye, she glanced toward the Deed that she had just signed. Everything she had, now belonged to him.  
  
Most people wouldn't see the logic in her decision. She had just signed away everything that she owed to the person that she loved and hated at the same time. But to her it just felt right. Since moving in with her after the Mariemaia coup, Duo had turned her struggling scrap metal business into a profitable venture. He seemed so at home, finally having a place where he belonged, and she couldn't take that away from him. So she decided to give it to him. All of it.  
  
The call had been placed and she had to be on the shuttle for Earth at noon. Everything had been taken care of, everything but telling Duo.  
  
She looked at the clock that sat on her desk. '10:30. He should be walking through the door right about . . .' The jingle of the old doorbell, echoed through the sales floor and reached the back office. Closing her eyes, she listened as his footsteps grew closer and closer, trying to hold off the tears that threatened to fall.  
  
"Good Morning, babe. How was your night?" Duo asked as he made his way over to his corner of the office. Carelessly, he threw his jacket onto the back of his chair, taking a seat on his desk.  
  
With her back facing him, Hilde replied, "My evening was very . . . enlightening." She tightly wrapped her arms around herself and turned to face him. "I've finished figuring out the expenses for the next couple of months. All of the bills have been sent out. The bank deposit has already been picked up. And Hannah is finishing up the accounts receivables as we speak."  
  
Duo was taken back by the amount of work she had finished. Most of the things didn't have to be done for another month. Questions quickly started forming in his mind. Before he could voice any of them, Hilde walked over to her desk and picked up a handful of papers.  
  
"Here, these are for you." She quietly said as she handed them to him. As Duo began scanning the documents, Hilde walked back over to her desk and grabbed her purse and walked out the door.   
  
Duo noticed Hilde leave the room, but his attention was grabbed as he noticed the last line typed on the last page. 'She's giving me the house and the scarp yard?' Utterly confused, Duo read the entire last paragraph of the deed again.   
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Duo's enraged voice nearly brought down the rafters. With the papers still in his hand, he ran out of the office and caught up with Hilde as she started to open the front door. Grabbing her arm, he spun her around so she could face him. His glare was down right menacing, and for the first time, Hilde was afraid of him.  
  
"Again, I'll ask, what the hell is the meaning of this, Hilde?" The coldness is his voice made her shiver.  
"I'm giving you the house and the yard. What's not to understand?"   
"Why, Hilde? That's what I can't understand. Why?"  
  
'Be strong Schbeiker.' She held his puzzled gaze and said, "I'm leaving, Duo."  
  
"Leaving?" Duo could feel the fear begin to build inside of him. 'It's happening again. Everything I love is always taken away from me.' He tried to keep the fear out of his voice. "Hilde, whatever I did or said to upset you I am truly sorry. But you can't leave."   
  
"I am sorry, Duo, but I can't stay here anymore." She silently added to herself, 'Living on wishes and dreams.'  
  
Confused and hurt, Duo didn't know what to say. 'When did this argument get out of control?' Staring down into her eyes, Duo realized that she was absolutely serious about leaving. 'I have to make her stay. What can I say to make her stay?' The voice from earlier that morning reappeared. 'Tell her, Duo, before its too late.' Taking a deep breath, Duo said, "Hilde, I . . . I need you!"  
  
'Open mouth, insert foot. Great job there, God of Death.'   
  
"You need me?!" Hilde spat out the phrase as she pulled herself out of his grasp. Throwing open the front door, Hilde marched inside of the house. The anger she felt over his words overrode everything else. "You need me as your personal maid and cook is what you mean, isn't Maxwell?" She tossed the statement over her shoulder as she walked into the living room.  
  
Those venomous words had sucker punched him in the stomach. So he did the only thing that felt natural, he fought back. "I meant as a friend but now that you mention it I would miss having someone. Duo's eyes slightly narrowed as he added, "But I know that I'll have NO problems finding 'someone' to take your place. Maybe I can find someone who would be willing to help me with some 'after hours chores'!"  
  
Duo regretted the words once they were out of his mouth. But pride and rage would not allow him to take them back. Hilde had paused while bending over to pick up her bag. Clamping her eyes shut, she tried to stop the tears from falling down her face. Finally she regained a tiny hold on her composure, she finished picking up her bag, and walked over to him.  
  
WHACK!  
  
The imprint of her hand began to appear instantly on his face. She had never resulted to unnecessary violence in her entire life, but she had been pushed over the edge of control. Turning away from him, she headed toward the front door.  
  
"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!" Duo yelled from the living room as he heard the door slam shut.  
  
Hilde's long stride carried her across the yard and to the waiting taxi. Quickly she tossed her bag into the trunk and climbed into the back seat. "L2 Space Port." She directed the driver. Even though she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, the tears still continued to fall. As the car began to round the corner, she quickly turned around to see everything she ever wanted in life, fade in the distance.  
  
"It's bad luck to look back, young lady." The driver said as he watched her in his review mirror.  
  
Slowly, she spun back around in the seat and fastened her seatbelt. Closing her eyes, Hilde tried to tune out the instant replay of the fight in her head, but to no avail. 'I don't think my luck could get much worse.'  
  
****************  
  
Duo stood in the living room, his fist clenched at his sides. An eerie silence hung throughout the house. Yea, he could really call himself the Great Destroyer now. He had destroyed the most precious thing the world: his life with Hilde.   
  
****************  
  
Two months later . . .  
  
"This is Preventer Night with the Earth Sphere Unified Nation. You are entering a restricted area. Please change your present course. Failure to compile will be seen as an act of aggression."  
  
Hilde watched the shuttle slowly begin to break off from its original heading and change directions. Sighing, she slumped back in to the seat of her own shuttle. This had to be the most boring assignment she had been on since joining the Preventers a couple of months earlier. But guarding the ESUN ambassadors to L2 and been giving to her, considering her extensive knowledge of the area.  
  
She quickly turned her attention out the window and saw the silhouette of L2 glowing in the distance. Being in the dark solitude of space gave a person a lot of time to think. Hilde had been doing a lot of that lately. Thinking. A frown quickly formed as she thought back to the last time she was home. The fight that she had with Duo was her fault just as much as his. If she hadn't fought like a wounded animal, controlled by anger, things may have turned out differently. 'Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?'   
  
She had been so stubborn that day. 'Damn German stubbornness.' On a whim, earlier that afternoon she had sent him an email. Life without him was empty. She missed his smile, his sense of humor, and the long meaningful talks. Most of all, she missed her best friend. The silence had gone on long enough. Hilde needed to tell him she was sorry, how she missed him, and exactly how she felt. She may ruin their friendship, but at least she would be honest with herself. So she asked to meet him at his favorite bar, but he hadn't returned her email before she left. 'Maybe I should stop by anyway.' She carefully pulled the worn picture out of the pocket of her flight suit and looked down on his smiling face. 'God, Duo, I really miss you.'   
  
A beeping from the terminals grew louder, grabbing her attention from her wayward thoughts. Turning, she found herself staring down the barrel of a beam cannon. "Scheisse!" Hitting the booster rockets, she hoped to propel herself out of range. But it was too little too late.   
  
The beam scraped along the bottom of her vessel. Hilde was thrown out of the chair and landed on her shoulder with a hard thud. Parts from the small shuttle flew through the cockpit, piercing exposed parts of her body. Pain shot through her like hot lightning, scattering from her now dislocated shoulder. Blood pulsed from a gash on her temple, covering most of the right side of her face. Pulling herself back into the chair, she could clearly identify the threat. The nebula class shuttle she had warned earlier was heading straight at her.   
  
Quickly grabbing the controls, she maneuvered out of the way of the next missile. "Well, if that isn't an act of aggression, then I don't know what is." Opening the COM link, Hilde began to call for backup.  
  
"This is Night, calling Dragon and Water! Come in Dragon and Water! Guys, I need some backup out here, and fast!"  
Static was the only feedback that she received. "Damnit, the COM system must have been disabled during the last blast." Again, another hit rocked the shuttle, tossing it like a tin can.  
  
The outlook of the battle wasn't good. The nebula class cruiser was faster and better equipped then her own craft. There was no possible way that her shuttle could withstand this barrage of enemy fire. Hilde tried to avoid as many shots as she could while she continued to page for backup. 'Thank God Duo showed me some of his impressive piloting skills.'   
  
"I'm not giving up that easily. If I can survive being attacked by Mobile Dolls programmed with the Gundam Pilots data, then there is no way in hell I'm going to let you win." She yelled. The problem was that she hadn't survived that attack by herself. Duo came flying in and saved the day. And she knew that he wouldn't be here to save her this time.  
  
An alarm sounded in the cockpit, informing her that the fuselage had been hit and was ready to blow. Realizing there was no way out, Hilde turned the shuttle around and gunned it toward the enemy ship.  
  
"If I'm going down, you're going down with me."  
  
Through the static on the COM system, she could barley make out the sound of her partners' voices.   
"Hilde, don't do it! Eject!"  
"Stupid onna, get out of there, NOW!"  
  
Hilde grasped the picture of Duo and herself and held it in her hand. Tears streamed down her face as she desperately hit the eject button. She didn't know if she would be far enough away from the blast to escape serious injury. But she was a soldier and new the price of war. Her only regret that she wasn't able to tell Duo she was sorry.  
  
'I love you, Duo'  
  
Tiny detentions occurred as the two ships collided. But as the fuel cells in both ships exploded, Hilde realized that she wasn't completely out of danger.   
  
Suddenly, the continuing explosions were drowned out by the deafening sound of silence.  
  
****************  
  
Duo sat at the bar, nursing his favorite beer. Unknowingly, he traced the sweat drops as they ran down the dark amber glass, landing in a puddle on the coaster. The room was covered in a light fog of cigarette smoke, causing halos around the dim lights. Billiard balls cracked behind him, as the monotone sports announcers continued with their play-by-play coverage of the game.  
  
The seat he had chosen allowed him to indirectly watch the door. The wall length mirror that stood behind the bartender gave me a perfect view of all the activity in the bar. Sighing, Duo pushed back the sleeve of his leather jacket and stared down at his watch.  
  
She was late.  
  
'Maybe she isn't coming.' But even as he thought the words, he knew he was wrong. If he knew Hilde, she would never back down from a challenge, especially one that she issued. He smirked as he took a long drink from the bottle.   
  
To say he was shocked to get her email was an understatement. He was elated that she wanted to see him. He had so many things he had to tell her. 'I love you' was on the top of that list. In the pocket of his jacket, a small velvet black box held a silver heart shaped locket with chain. He realized that he could be jumping the gun, but with Christmas around the corner, he could at least say it was a present for that reason.   
  
But as time drug on, the euphoric feeling faded and the loneliness slowly began to surface again.   
  
"LAST CALL!" The bartender yelled over the numerous noises that filled the tiny bar. Duo was stuck in the middle of a throng of people making their last efforts to get drunk before morning. As the crowd cleared, he pushed the stool back from the bar, threw a couple of credits on the counter, grabbed his helmet and headed for the door.  
  
The climate controls on the colony kept the nighttime temperatures at a comfortable 68F, but for some reason, Duo felt a chill in the air. Caught somewhere between disbelief, sadness and anger, he stood next to his bike in the parking lot of the bar. 'I can't believe that she didn't come.' Shaking his head, Duo straddled the bike when the oncoming lights of another vehicle shone in his direction.   
  
"Hey buddy, you want to watch where you're shining those things." He grumbled while he started the engine. As he began putting on his helmet, he watched as the driver stepped out of the car.  
  
"Heero?"  
  
When Duo saw the driver turn his attention in his direction, Duo wheeled the bike over to the car. Killing the engine, Duo quickly hopped off the motorcycle. "Heero, buddy. What brings you to L2? Or should I be asking who since I heard Relena was going to be accompanying the ambassadors." Slapping his hand on Heero's back, he continued, "Come on in, I'll buy ya a beer. They're about to close, but I know the owner . . ."  
  
"Duo, this isn't a social call." Heero interrupted. Duo took his first good look at Heero's expression. Though Heero was known for his ability to hide his emotions, Duo could see the pained emotion in his eyes.  
  
"What is it, Heero?"  
  
Heero drew a ragged breath as he ran a shaky hand through his messy bangs. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a picture. The edges of the photo were somewhat burnt and it was marred by numerous creases. He couldn't look Duo in the eye, so he kept his face on the happy couple in the picture.  
  
"It's Hilde."  
  
"What do you mean, 'It's Hilde.'?" Duo's voice shook with fear and anger as he asked the simple question.  
  
"She was working for the Preventers over the past couple of months. She had been put on guard detail for the delegation coming to L2. An unidentified ship moved into the area and . . . shots were exchanged and . . .God, Duo . . ." Thrusting the photo at him, Heero continued, "They did everything they could to save her at the hospital, but . . . she didn't make it, Duo. They found that picture on her . . ."  
  
Duo continued to look at the picture he held in his hands as Heero's voice blended into the background.   
  
As he focused on the picture, on the smile on Hilde's face, he could feel the pain of his heart as it broke in two. 'Pain. There are no other words to describe this feeling I have. Don't they say that pain makes you know that you're alive. Alive? Is that what I am? Right now, I wish there was no pain.'  
  
He felt Heero place his hand on his shoulder. Duo tore his gaze off of the worn picture in his hands and looked at Heero.   
  
"Duo, I'm sorry."  
  
Duo pulled away from Heero and marched over to his bike. Placing the picture in his back pants pocket, he pulled on his helmet, climbed on the motorcycle and started the engine. He raced out of the parking lot, tears blurring his vision. As he headed back to the house, Duo realized that he wasn't alone.  
  
Now, the silent regrets would be his companion, forever.  
  
  



End file.
